Emotional abuse

I came across this article on the internet and reflecting on it I realized that many people in our churches behave this way too. It is good to take note of this issue and prayerfully consider what the best Christian response should be in dealing with people who are emotionally abusive and immature. At this stage I think a spiritual-cognitive method will be best whereby we lovingly and with compassion educate the offenders concerning what they are doing and how detrimental it is for their own growth and how it hurts others.

Emotional abuse

If someone suddenly cutting off all contact in an attempt to get you anxious, fearful, feel rejected, doubt your own desirability, confused and depressed is not acting with love – and you need to recognize it for what it is. Emotional abuse.

When someone uses “silent treatment”, the “cold shoulder treatment” or “no contact” to get you to comply and do what they want, or give them what they want, it’s a behaviour learned from childhood with a parent or key caregiver. A parent or caregiver denies a child attention, affection or love as a way of punishing, hurting, manipulating or controlling him or her; young, innocent and vulnerable, a child gives in or does as told to regain the parent or caregiver’s attention, affection or love.

A child repeatedly exposed to this kind of emotional abuse grows up thinking it’s the only way to get others to do what you want and give you what you want. But the effect of this form of emotional abuse cuts deeper and creates scars that are far more lasting than most people realize. Most people exposed to this kind of emotional abuse live with separation anxiety, are needy and clingy, have low self-esteem, don’t trust themselves, have problems telling whether someone is interested in them or not, never ask for what they want, are passive aggressive etc.

Sadly, they repeat this pattern of parent-child relationship in their adult relationships because it feels familiar and even comfortable to them. Most don’t think there is anything wrong with with-holding attention, affection or love to force someone to give in to what they would not give in to if they were not emotionally manipulated into giving in.

Some grown-up men and women even believe that with-holding attention, affection or love is how you prove that someone really loves you. The more threatened, anxious, rejected, jealous, clingy or desperate he/she feels, the more proof of their love. That’s how unhealthy this is!

A person using “no contact” to make you feel anxious, jealous, clingy or desperate is not doing it out of love. He/she is doing it because he/she needs to emotionally break you to feel in control – just like in the parent-child dynamic they’re so familiar with. The sad part is, many people using this unhealthy and dysfunctional relating pattern are not always necessarily bitter or vengeful people out to hurt the person they love. They often honestly believe that because it was done to them and it worked, it will work with you too.

The policy of breaking off totally with people, “No Contact” is immature, manipulative and undermines any efforts to have a healthy relationship. If he/she doesn’t see what’s wrong with this approach to resolving conflict, then it’s best that you both move on.

You can’t change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Saying “NO!” to emotional manipulation and/or abuse is taking care of your own emotional health, and cleaning up your emotional energy so that you will be ready for a relationship in which you will be treated with the respect, affection and love you deserve.

Keep in mind that not everyone who suddenly cuts off all contact is doing so to break you. Some people use “No Contact” because they believe isolation is the best way for them to handle their pain. You may not like that this is how they choose to move on, you may not agree that it is best for them, but it is their choice so respect their wish. Some day you’ll want someone else to respect yours too even if they do no agree.

R.C.

Hanging our dirty laundry.....

Hanging out the dirty laundry....

Often our fellow believers will point out to us that we should not hang out our dirty laundry for all to see. Sometimes this may be because it makes them uncomfortable as they are reminded of issues they have not yet dealt with themselves but it may also be a genuine concern for what it may do to our reputation and how people may abuse it and use the truth of our errors against us. They are right to some extent, Jesus does say in Matthew 7:6 "Don't waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don't throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” In other words do not waste what is important and special to you on people who will not understand or appreciate it. This is certainly true in society, if you expose your weaknesses and faults it will be used against you. The world in general is not a safe and understanding place. However, within the family of Christ the situation should be very different. Ephesians 5:11-13 tells us that we must expose all the evil that has been going on secretly, to bring to light what happens in darkness. Also James 5:16 encourages us to confess our sins to one-another. In other words, within the family of believers we should be able to hang out the dirty laundry and expose what is wrong and confess our sins in the knowledge that we are safe and it will not be used against us but instead we receive help, forgiveness, gentle rebuke, healing and restoration. If the family of God is not a safe place to do so, where can we go? Too many people are forced to live a life of pretence and hypocrisy among us because we do have enough grace and mercy, patience and forgiveness to help them bring out their dirty laundry and have it cleansed.

Your wonderful destiny

Beloved,

As a child of God you have become a member of His household through adoption as a result of putting your faith and hope for salvation in Jesus Christ. As a human being, created by God in His image you have always been precious to Him and loved by Him and now that you have been reconciled to Him, He rejoices even more as it has always been His wish that you would fulfill the wonderful destiny He had in mind for you, namely becoming like Jesus Christ in every area of life as an active member of a royal priesthood, a holy nation and a people belonging to God. As His priests we are called to offer ourselves as living sacrifices and lay down our lives voluntarily for the other by doing good and resisting evil. As His nation of prophets we are called to courageously proclaim Gods wonderful deeds and call all humanity to be reconciled to Him.  This is your eternal destiny, your birthright, your calling, do not let anything or anyone make you settle for less.

My beloved child

My child I love you very very much. Because I so dearly love you I want to point out to you that you should not ask me to give you more of My Spirit or to fill you with My Spirit because I actually made My Spirit live within you. The source of living water is within you in all its fullness and you must allow it to fill you. By My Spirit the Father and I live within you and you live in me. Because of that streams of living water flow from within you. It is not something you have to attain or strife for, it is a present reality.  You do not have to advertise it or try to convince other people of, because just as the presence of water in the desert it reflected by an oasis of vegetation, so the presence of my Spirit within you will be seen by its effects in your life. All I require from you is that you keep your life clean of all those obstacles that prevent the stream of living water, of love, goodness, kindness, and Christ-likeness to flow from within you. I do not require you to splash people with that living water, but those who come thirsty for my love and truth should always be welcomed as My guests. Jealously guard the well of living water within you and do not allow its waters to become muddled by what is not from me. Remember who you are in me and do not try to be anything in the eyes of men. Don't worry about being respectable, or gaining a reputation or position in the eyes of men. Be a ''Mary'' rather than a ''Martha" and find your identity in who you are in me. A beloved child, a member of a royal priesthood, belonging to me. Therefore be proud of your lowly status and rejoice in your trials as this keeps you close to Me. Trust me and seek to imitate me in doing what is good and avoid even a hint of evil.

Ordained or not ordained?

I got a request from a dear sister in Kenya to explain more about lay-missionary work. It is an interesting question especially because the question implies that there are two classes of missionaries: Those ordained to be missionaries and those who are not ordained.  However, personally I do not believe in the concept of lay-mission as this terminology is not found in the word of God. I believe that Matthew 28:18-20, John 20:21; Acts 1:8) applies to al disciples of Christ and so every Christian is called to be a faithful witness, a missionary participating with Gods mission of love and salvation to the world. Gods mission to the world started already as soon as Adam sinned and came to a climax when He sent Christ, who provided salvation from the penalty of sin and from the power of sin in our lives through the empowering and sanctifying work of His Holy Spirit. He will one day also save us from the presence of sin at His second coming. He in turn sends us as His followers out into the world to proclaim this Good News of God’s Love and the salvation he offers. This mission will continue until the 2nd coming of Christ when He will restore all things. I do not use the term ‘’lay’’ because I believe in a priesthood of royal priests ordained by God which applies to all those who truly put their faith in Gods Love and the Salvation He offers through Christ and are subsequently born again by His Spirit (1 Peter 2:9-10). They are a people belonging to God with the wonderful task to show their gratitude and love for God by proclaiming His great deeds to a world in need. One does not become part of this priesthood by human ordination ceremonies (which only serve the flesh and the human desire to elevate one person’s position above another). One becomes part of this family, this true church of Christ by the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 12:13). Even though I was ordained and widely recognised as a missionary and servant of God I do not consider it relevant at all. My calling came from God and as His child I am ordained as a royal priest and an ambassador of Christ. It is not about having a position, I simply love to work with my Father in His mission to the world wherever he wants to use me with the gifts, talents, abilities, experience and resources He entrusts to me. I invite you to also take note of your own heavenly ordination and calling and faithfully work with our Father wherever He places you and with whatever He places at your disposal.

                              

Contemporary Christian Reflection on Authority, The Rule of Law, Divine Privilege & Servant Leadership

Authority, The Rule of Law, Divine Privilege & Servant Leadership

Since Christianity is an invitation to people to become followers of Jesus Christ it promotes a stable and peaceful environment where people are free to choose to follow Christ or not. Christians are therefore encouraged to pray for the government so that they may live peaceful, quiet and godly lives which may attract others to salvation in Christ (1 Tim. 2:1-7). We belong to a heavenly kingdom, a royal priesthood and are a people belonging to God (1 Pet. 2:9). However, we are also aliens and strangers in the world with a divine mandate to live good godly lives (1 Pet. 2:12), being witnesses and ambassadors of Christ, pleading with people to be reconciled with God (2 Cor. 5:20).

Submission to authority
As ambassadors in a foreign land we are encouraged to submit to every authority, both national and local (1 Pet. 2:13-17). Jesus Christ himself gave us the example in Matthew 22:19-21 where after establishing that it is the image of Ceasar on the coin he proclaims that one should "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's". In other words if you use the system put in place by the authorities you also follow its rules. However, he qualifies this by also stating that we should render unto God what belongs to God.  In so doing Jesus makes it clear that all human beings, by virtue of being the image bearers of God, belong to God and should render their lives to Him. In Romans 13:1-7 the apostle Paul stresses civil obedience to the authorities, including the paying of taxes and revenue, but also the demonstration of due respect and honour. However, when the government in Jerusalem tried to forbid the apostles to speak or teach in the name of Jesus Christ, the apostles Peter and John replied that one should rather obey God than man (Acts 4:18-20). This means that where the demands of the government clearly clash with the demands of God as revealed in the character, life, action and teachings of Christ we are under no obligation to obey such demands.

Disobedience to authority
Every Christian is obliged to obey the laws of the land, unless these laws are in contradiction with the constitution, the supreme law of the land. In that case one may appeal to the higher law to justify not obeying the lesser law. However, a Christian is bound by an even higher constitution than any earthly constitution or international laws or treaties, namely the Law of Christ. If any human-made law, constitution, treaty or regulation, or part thereof is contrary to the Law of Christ, then the contrary part may be disobeyed. This should not be done lightly and only after careful thought and reflection and if there are any ways by which we can obey both the Law of Christ and at the same time the lesser human-made laws, then we ought to pursue this course as part of our witness in the world. If obedience to Gods higher law means we incur persecution we must rejoice in this for in the same way the martyrs of old suffered and received their heavenly reward. But none of us should suffer punishment for breaking the law in any other way, for in breaking it we disobeyed both our earthly and our heavenly leadership. If we conclude that the laws or regulations and requirements in a country, society, corporation, ecclesiastical body or any human organization do not suit our personal preferences we should move to another location with more agreeable laws and regulations.

When in a position of authority

A Christian may end up in a position of earthly authority or someone in earthly authority becoming a Christian.  They need to be reminded that in spite of their exalted position they are still subject to the Law of Christ and all his commandments. Consequently they need to consider how in their position they can best serve Christ, God’s people, the people they have been mandated to rule, and the whole world at large. Particularly for a person in authority with a mandate to rule and serve a defined group of people may lose sight of the fact that as a Christian he/she needs to have a global focus (Matt. 28:18-20).

The statement of Paul in Romans 13:1-7 should not be misconstrued that because all government is instituted by God therefore government or a ruler can do as it sees fit. To the contrary, the ruler is mandated to rule on behalf of God and has the responsibility to promote justice and equality, goodness and well-being for all while suppressing what is evil in society. Regardless of whatever constitution the king or ruler may have sworn allegiance to, he is also bound by the Law of Christ.

In Psalm 72 King David reflects on his kingship in the light of the divine and eternal kingship of God and recognises God as the ultimate law-giver (Ps. 72:1). In the light of Gods law the king must promote justice in society and defend the cause of the weak and the poor and keep oppressors at bay (Ps. 72:2-4). This is as relevant today as it was 1000BC and even if you do not have real power as in the case of a constitutional monarch this does not prevent you from making the above your priority. You can use your God given position to campaign for the cause of the weak, the poor, the needy and the vulnerable.  If God puts you in a position of authority it does not mean you have a Divine right to rule, no, you have been given a Divine privilege to be a servant of all. The Divine King is the prime example of such servanthood as He defends the cause of the poor, vulnerable and oppressed in society (Ps. 72:12-14). For such a ruler people will pray, contribute to, and wish him Gods blessings (Ps. 72:15).

One does not need to be a king or political ruler to apply the above principles because any leader under God is supposed to follow this example, whether in church, business or society.

Nevertheless, regardless of whether you are in a position of authority or not, you have only one Master to whom you are ultimately accountable, for the rest you ought to use your freedom in Him to be the loving servant of all in order to save some (1 Cor. 9:19-23).