Resilience and resolution

Survivors of abuse are some of the strongest, most creative and resourceful persons in the world. In order to survive in the most horrendous circumstances where they have been violated and forced to violate others they have shown an amazing resilience and inventiveness in order to survive.  One cannot help but marvel at the amazing way the human mind and spirit can help one survive amidst unimaginable evil and against all odds.  However, while these survival methods were effective in helping us endure the abuse and retain some sense of self no matter how fragmented, they may eventually stand in between us and the inner healing we need.  In my case I always told myself ‘’I can handle it”, “I am strong”, and indeed I was able to endure not only my abuse but even thrive in very harsh, difficult and dangerous conditions. Nevertheless it did not help me accept my vulnerability and the fact that I had been deeply hurt by what people had done to me. Another effective method for dealing with a lot of the abuse was to simply forget what happened, block or suppress the memories or reinterpret them in a more positive light.  It was also very effective for a long period of time but did not help me to live fully in the truth, it compromised my integrity as deep down I knew I was not fully true to myself or others. For those memories of violence, humiliation and shame which I could not suppress I had another very effective way to deal with them, having been brought up in a Christian environment I resorted to religion and told myself and everyone else I had forgiven the perpetrators, after all they did not really know what they were doing. It sounds very Christ-like but in fact it is not, it was superficial, a quick fix without really acknowledging the extend of the evil that had been done to me, without acknowledging how painful and damaging it had been. It was a rational religious act, not something from deep in my heart. Deep down I was still suppressing all that had been done to me because I felt I still needed the acceptance, the help, the love and the ‘’protection” of my abusers. I still feared to lose their love, their acceptance, their protection, their help and so on. I did not accept the truth that I did not need this phony love, conditional acceptance,  fake protection or selfish help. All the love, acceptance, protection and help I needed was readily accessible in Christ. It was always there with me as a fountain of living water and yet I kept going back to the tainted water offered by my abusers. My other seemingly very effective method of dealing with abuse and adversity was to always make the best of things, to look on the bright side, to have an optimistic attitude in life.  It is something I learned from my father and it has been very effective in coping and it has helped me to make the best of life even in very difficult circumstances. However, this method required me to live rather superficially and not from the depth of my heart. It required me to swallow and suppress injustices and wrongs done to me and did not help me to truly deal with them.  However, I have now learned that God does not just want to help me to make the best of life, He wants the best of life for me and this life is hidden in Christ. Just accepting Christ in our lives is not enough, we need to abide in Him and bring everything in the light and not suppress anything.  He wants us to live in the Spirit of Love but also in the truth, because only by exposing everything to the light can the Spirit of Love cleanse, comfort, heal and fill us until overflowing with rivers of love, compassion, kindness and all the fruit the Spirit of God can produce in us. Resilience helps us to survive, resolution in truth and love helps us to enjoy life in abundance.

Love your enemies

The amazing love of Jesus who can make us love our enemies, not in a superficial manner by quickly glancing over their wrongs which actually is a subtle form of denial. No, a genuine truthful love that enables us to fully acknowledge what our abusers have done to us, the pain and damage they caused us and then wholeheartedly forgive them and ask God to pour His love in our hearts. This will allow the river of living water, the love of God to flow from our hearts and view both ourselves, our abusers and the bystanders with compassion instead of anger and hatred. In the words of the concentration camp survivor Corrie Ten Boom who through Gods help forgave the traitor who betrayed her and also forgave the torturers and murderers of her family: I cannot forgive in my own strength, but Christ in me can do it! And it is so true, so liberating, wonderfully true.

And can it be that I should gain
an interest in the Savior’s blood!
Died he for me? who caused his pain!
For me? who him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me

Forgive the not-so-innocent bijstanders

When trying to escape from a situation of abuse nothing is as difficult to deal with than the uncaring, sceptical, unbelieving if not downright hostile response of the bystanders.  In some cases bystanders may for the sake of their own (perceived) interests join forces with the abuser to force you back into submission and obedience. It is often much more difficult to forgive them than the abuser.  At least with the abuser you know that he or she has been at least partially been acting out of his/her own painful past and so in your mind there are exonerating circumstances which makes it easier to forgive. With the bystanders the situation is quite different. In most cases there are no exonerating circumstances you can think of. However, for your own sake and because of the One who has forgiven you all your wrongs you also need to forgive them and with Christ say "Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing".

Freedom from abuse

The reasons for allowing our abusers to humiliate and mistreat us are not always bad. It is not only because we believe there is some personal benefit in it or that some deep needs are being met in the unhealthy relationship. Often we also sense that our abusers are not doing it out of a desire to do evil, but out of their own childhood trauma and pain. We recognize that in a way their abusive behavior was a way of communicating that they are hurting inside. The problem is that by being too understanding, and by allowing them to do as they please one does not help them to change. As long as we give in and accommodate their harmful behavior they will never come to the point where they realize they need to change and open up the painful dark chambers of their hearts. At the same time it does not help us or the others in the family as everyone is getting hurt in the process and incur damage to their souls which then adds to the already heavy burden of guilt of the abuser and so the cycle of pain and destruction continues unless someone finds the courage to say ‘’no”, this far and no further! It will unleash the fury of hell and everything will be used against you, and everyone who is willing to be used will be employed to force you back into submission and obedience to the abuser, but for true freedom it is a small price to pay. I am speaking from experience, I have never been so free and so happy in my life even though humanly speaking I have lost everything.

I must admit though that for a very long time I never even realised I was a prisoner in an abusive relationship. I thought it was very normal for wives to ridicule and humiliate their husbands in the company of others from time to time. I thought it was normal for a wife to be verbally aggressive and blame the husband even for her own errors. I thought it was normal for a wife to minimise her husbands achievements and to maximize his weaknesses. I thought it was normal to be emotionally and sexually blackmailed and kept under strict control.  I thought it was normal to continuously get the message you are not doing enough, you are not good enough and so on, even though it was very discouraging. I did not really know any better for I had witnessed similar things when I grew up. It is only when we adopted two girls of 10 and 12 that I learned things could be different. They treated me respectfully and kindly, they never humiliated or ridiculed me, instead they came to my defence many a time and suffered for it. It is largely due to them that I realized not all women are the same. Gradually I started to resist the abuse and my wife got angrier and angrier until she had enough of it and left. She then continued to control and blackmail me using the youngest two children as a tool until I also resisted it and refused to play along. Now I am free and its a wonderful experience.

I do believe that as committed Christians we are more prone to allow ourselves to be abused. The abuser is attracted to and relies on the gentleness, patience, forgiveness and longsuffering of the abused. The abused in turn fool themselves that by allowing themselves to mistreated, humiliated and hurt they are following Christ who also suffered for us. However, the big difference is that our suffering is not truly voluntary and is not serving a divine purpose, rather the opposite as the destruction of both ourselves and the abuser is the final outcome and not salvation. We may have made our abuser an idol in our lives to whom we sacrifice way more than we ever should have. But, we have allowed ourselves to be an idol in their lives. However, we cannot take the place of Christ in their lives, we cannot atone for the evils and sins that were committed against them, neither can we bring the salvation, inner liberation and healing they need. Not only did we set ourselves up for failure and for personal hurt, we even hindered their salvation, liberation and healing.

Overcoming abuse

Overcoming abuse

Overcoming the effects of physical and psychological abuse is not an easy task.  First one has to stop running away from facing what has really happened. Also one has to stop fighting the wrong battles against other people on whom we take out or anger. But even more important, we must muster the courage to look inside and acknowledge the pain and damage caused by the abuse.  This process may sound very rational, and in fact we need our rational mind to control the process (if available with the help and encouragement of others), but we will face suppressed emotions that may burst forth like a high pressure fountain.  Initially when the dam bursts it may be totally overwhelming and things may be turned upside down but eventually the waters of our emotions will subside and become more manageable. Once we have come to acknowledge what has been done to us, and have relived the injustice and pain of it all, we may also get to the point where we look at our own complicity and wonder “why did I allow my abuse to go on for such a long time?” or “what is wrong with me that I allowed this abuse to happen to me?”.  This question is certainly inevitable if the abuse took place within the context of adult relationships. This may have been in a family setting, in a community, at the workplace or even in a religious setting.  We may attempt to answer this question superficially by pointing at feelings of insecurity, lack of self-respect, our inability to set boundaries, ignorance, confusion, denial and so on. However, if we do so we may do ourselves a further injustice by not giving ourselves the credit we deserve. Most of us do not stay in abusive situations because we are too insecure, or too ignorant or too much in denial to see it. Neither do we stay because we are too proud to admit that we are being abused. In fact most adults who are in abusive situations know that this is so and yet they consciously decide to stay.  The reason we decide to stay in abusive situations is not our inability to acknowledge the evil we face, but it is actually the good we recognise in the abuser. We see beyond the mask of aggression and abuse and recognise that there is a lonely, weak and hurting person hidden inside.  We hear the silent cry for help and our instinct tells us that the abuser actually needs us.  And we are partially right: The abuser does need help! But the help the abuser needs can never be given by the abused! In fact we are not helping them or ourselves in this manner.  By continuing to allow the abuse we facilitate them going from bad to worse while we are getting hurt in the process. Our problem may not be so much that we are too weak, but that we have had too much confidence in our ability to be strong, and that by enduring the abuse we could somehow bring about the needed transformation in the abuser.  By the end of the day we must boldly acknowledge our limitations but we must also give credit where credit is due and affirm our good intentions even if they were exploited and used against us. Our willingness to help, and our desire to see the abuser healed was honourable and good, we were just not the right person to help them.  It is now important we keep a safe distance and leave the abuser’s therapy to another professional who is not as emotionally involved and consequently not as easily manipulated and abused.

Hermeneutics

Thoughts on hermeneutics

Traditionally Christian hermeneutics has consisted of historical-grammatical analysis with the aim of understanding the meaning of the text as the original authors intended to communicate. This, however, is not sufficient for us to truly understand Holy Scripture. In order to explain what I mean let us for the sake of argument suppose that the Bible consisted of one brief letter from God to humankind which has been delivered through a prophet. In the letter God tells us “My child, I am your heavenly Father, I love you and I have been looking for you. Please come home and you will enjoy my love and care forever”.  Using historical-grammatical analysis it is clear that the message is meant to express Gods love, concern and His desire that all humans enjoy his loving presence forever. However, no matter how accurate the historical-grammatical analysis is conducted, someone who has had a sexually abusive and manipulative father will not understand the message of the text the same way as someone who had a caring and loving father. No matter how well developed our interpretive skills are, we can never run away from the fact that we wear lenses through which we view the text and understand its message. These lenses may be cultural, religious or social, but most often they are deeply personal. If in such a situation we question the accuracy of someone’s interpretation, it will feel to them as if we are questioning their very identity. And yet, the lazy persons relativistic escape ‘’everyone is free to interpret the Bible the way he or she sees fit” is not the solution.  In fact it could be every cruel because it never challenges the harmful beliefs one may have about God, self, others and how we ought to live. Even if we concur that no-one’s interpretation of Holy Scripture is a 100% accurate, the solution is not to then accept every interpretation as equally valid. To go back to the example of the letter. For those who know God as a loving Father it is obvious that there is no sinister motive in His invitation letter.  Their interpretation is more accurate than the person who because of a painful past views the letter with suspicion, fear, insecurity.  The only way to help such a person to come to realise that the other interpretation is better is to get to know the author of the letter.  However, before he or she may even want to get know the author, he or she will need to observe how the lives of other people are positively affected by their interaction with the author.  It is only those who have an intimate knowledge of the Father who better understand what the author of Holy Scripture intends to communicate. They may not see clearly, they may see as in a dim mirror (1 Cor. 13:12), but seeing they do.