vrijdag 3 januari 2014
Why do we stay in abusive situations?
One of the questions I have wrestled with a lot the past few months is why someone stays in an abusive and harmful situation even if it threatens his or her personal integrity and identity as a person. Why do we stay loyal to those that use and abuse us? I always told myself it is because I love my abuser and I know that she really doesnt want to be this way. I know another side to her, a vulnerable, loving, innocent, caring and childlike side with a sense of humour and eagerness to help. So I accepted the abuse, endured the pain and told myself you to be proud of my longsuffering, loving and forgiving attitude. However, as good as it is to forgive, endure and be understanding and loving even to those who hurt you, you must also remain in the truth. Truth and love must go together or they disintergrate. The moment you agree to help conceal from the outside world what is going on in the house you have given in to the great liar and are on a slippery slope. Next you agee to downplay the wrongs that take place and find yourself justifying your failure to stop it instead of reflecting truthfully ''why do I allow the boundaries to be crossed?", "why do I fear the abuser so excessively while I know she is a vulnerable, suffering person?", and ""why do I submit to abuse and injustice?". I have come to the conclusion that it is often our fear of reflecting on our own weaknesses and vulnerabilties which stop us from addressing the abusive situations we are in. In some sense both abuser and abused together keep an abusive system in place that hurts both of them and all involved. It is a system that must be broken and replaced with a more constructive way of interacting, Unfortuantely often the abused are even more resistant to the breakdown of the system not only because still love the abuser but also fear reflecting on what made them vulnerable in the first place.