The normal need for intimacy

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:11).

Most parents although they are far from good in the light of God's goodness still know how to give good gifts to their children, but God wants to give us so much more. This also applies to the area of love, relationships and intimacy.

However if we were, or felt neglected, unseen or misunderstood as children (and this can happen regardless whether we had 'good' parents or not) we may have been brainwashed to think deep inside that we are unlovable, unworthy of love or somehow hardwired to lose love every time we found it.

Also if we were mistreated as children by siblings or peers we may have a hard time believing that someone could really love and value us. The negative feelings we developed toward ourselves in our early years, became so deeply embedded in us that it is now part of who we think we are. Therefore, when someone is loving and reacts positively toward us, we experience a conflict within ourselves. We don’t know whether to believe this new person’s kind and loving point of view of us or our old, familiar sense of our identity.

So, we often react with suspicion and distrust when someone loves us, because our fear of intimacy has been aroused. Unfortunately by questioning their love and treating them with distrust we hurt their feelings and push them away so that our suspicion and distrust become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although deep down we all need and crave intimacy we undermine it by distrusting and devaluing it and in the end fail to experience the deep satisfaction true emotional intimacy can give. We may then settle for promiscuity, sexual addiction, thrill seeking, religious ecstasy or other ‘addictions’ to soothe ourselves but deep down we will remain empty and unfulfilled.

We need to re-evaluate ourselves, our value and our concept of self in the light of Gods enormous love for us and find our fulfillment in intimacy with Him. This ultimately will enhance our ability to enjoy intimacy with people too in friendships and with a partner in marriage. For love for God and love from God in our hearts (Rom. 5:5) will ultimately result in greater love for ourselves and for people. The fruit of the Spirit will become increasingly manifest in us and this fruit is predominantly relational in nature (Gal. 5:22-23) and so our capacity to love and receive love is greatly enhanced