Everybody lies - 2

Lets start by being honest about one thing: None of us likes to be lied to. All of us need the security and safety of being able to rely on someone and to be able to trust someone at their word. However, many people still resort to lies, even within the Christian community.

Now apart from the deceitful sociopath or the pathological liar who just can't help him/herself there are other reasons why people may lie to us. I am not saying that these are valid excuses for we should have nothing to do with anything that comes from the father of lies. Instead we must walk in the light which means truthfully and transparent. However understanding why some people lie or hide the truth from us may help us to relate to them differently.

 1. They don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Some people genuinely but mistakingly believe it is better to sweettalk with lies than to upset someone's feelings with the truth. Often these is encoded in their family or community culture and hard to unlearn unless they tackle it mindfully and seriously out of a desire to obey Christ more than culture.

In other cases the underlying reason is that they feel they need our love, affirmation, support or help and they truly fear that if they are totally honest with you that we may reject them. Often this goes hand in hand with a low selfesteem and fear of abandonment.

This is certainly wrong, disrespectful, counter productive and manipulative. However, it may be good to look at ourselves too! If we tend to overreact to our partners mistakes and get upset easily or respond very emotionally then we teach them that honesty is very costly. Or if we get all dramatic or even aggressive when someone tells us a truth we don't like then we are essentially conditioning them to say what you want to hear to keep the peace.  Its a common occurance to see such kind of lying out of fear in children who grow up with patents whose tempers are volatile. At best people may resort to sugarcoating or avoiding a volatile subject.  At worst, it’s a straight up lie to avoid drama, waterworks or verbal/emotional violence (or worse).

Are such the responses of the weak, of cowards? Maybe they do really feel vulnerable, disempowered or threatened. Besides, how do we know how it feels to be at the receiving end of our anger or drama? Its easy to point fingers at those who cower in fear and lie in order to appease us or avoid conflict but maybe we may also need to have a look at the log in our own eye. After all, why would someone be straight and honest with us if it simply leads to anger, rejection, harsh words or other negative sanctions? If not telling the truth seems harmless enough and being honest will just cause drama, heartache and grief for both parties, why would someone want to do it? Of course lying remains wrong but we should also avoid doing anything that makes it hard for people to be honest with us.

 2.

Another reason why some people lie is because they want to impress us.

Some people don’t feel they are “good enough” without lying or putting up a front.

In a way we could almost feel flattered when in a relationship our partner is trying to impress us in that way. However the problem is more than the lie he/she tells us. They believe a bigger lie that they are not “good enough” to get/keep us.  It’s not a compliment - its lack of faith in themselves, in us and in God when it comes to the relationship. Not only is it insecure behavior, but it also prevents that real and strong foundation is build for the relationship to develop beyond the superficial.  They must be encouraged to take a step of faith and choose to be honest regardless of the consequences, trusting God rather than their clever lies.

We can help them by affirming that we still want them if they are “real” with us. Or better, that we will want them more. Until they reach that point where they dare to trust our love they may continue to lie to avoid conflict for fear of losing us.

We are called to walk in truth and love. Real love is honest and truthful and those led by love do not walk in lies of commission or ommission.  They respect the other enough to build open and honest relationships.

Most of us are also acquainted with people on the other end of the spectrum and are brutally honest all the time. Those kinds of people go beyond being brutally honest and are often brutal to be around.

But tactful, well delivered honesty is crucial as the foundation for a real and lasting relationship. Unfortunately it is a tall order to expect from most people. Sad, but true – the best you can do is encourage tactful honesty from them and give them time to show they love you enough to do so.

When someone is honest with you, they are trying to do the right thing and respect you – this is part if true love. The best response you can give them is to thank them for their honesty and let them know how it hit you without drama.   It takes emotional maturity and life experience to be able to show people that you can handle and appreciate tactful honesty. But when you do, people will be honest with you