Today I used an enhanced version of Chapman's love languages in the lifeskills lessons for my two teenage daughters. After our discussion I realised it may also be helpful for those who are not too familiar with the concept. So below a summary:
Chapman's proposed Five Love Languages categories are as follows:
1. Words of positive affirmation: compliment, verbal encouragement, and verbal statements of love. Written notes.
The opposite which we must avoid is unfriendly or coarse language, derogatory or demeaning language, verbal violence and language that puts the other down.
2. Quality Time: face-to-face conversation, mutually enjoyed activities, and uninterrupted time together.
The opposite which we must avoid is living apart-together, long periods of absence, spending more time with others or other things instead of together, avoiding oneanother. Superficial chitchat instead of open heart-to-heart conversations.
3. Gifts: tangible items as well as the gift of self.
The opposite is always being on the receiving end, demanding more and more or giving others more than oneanother, neglecting to give or give grudgingly or only out of duty. Give in a manipulative way such as bribing, guilt communicating, or in order to get.
4. Acts of Service: selfless deeds, domestic service, and acts of kindness.
The opposite is enslaving, using or exploiting someone. Also laziness, disinterest in helping or neglect or taking the things the other does for granted. Failing to appreciate and reciprocate selflessly.
5. Physical Touch: holding hands, massage, and sexual intimacy
The opposite is withdrawing or avoiding touching eachother. Treating physical contact as dirty or wrong. Negative labelling of physical affection.
A 6th can be added namely allowing someone his/her space/independence and freedom the opposite of which would be control/isolating someone/imprisoning someone
The underlying idea is that all of us have our preferred ways/methods for receiving and showing love, appreciation and affection. But if we don't understand this in oneanother we may not understand oneanother. One may be showing love while the other feels unloved and vice versa because we do not "speak eachothers language". Discussing these languages can be a helping starting point to remove misunderstandings, to appreciate the other's efforts more and to grow closer by learning to express love at eachothers level.
zaterdag 28 maart 2015
donderdag 26 maart 2015
The Christian Communalism of Equality and Brotherhood and liberty from the tyranny of materialist exploitation and dehumanization
13Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. 14At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. The goal is equality, 15as it is written: “The one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little.”
(2 Corinthians 8:13-15)
The teachings of Christ entail that the strong need to bear with the weak, the rich must share with the poor, and all must learn from Christ to be humble and gentle and use whatever talents/resources they were entrusted with for the common good. Social Darwinism which in its many forms still dominates much of Western thinking says that it is normal for the strong survive at the expense of the weak and for the rich not to share equally with the poor. After all it is the weak who are poor and it is not our fault that they are not fit, smart or good enough to look after themselves properly in the scramble for the earth’s resources. It is no wonder that many in the rich West have turned their back on Christianity or only adopt it superficially. After all it is much easier to justify one’s own greed and selfishness by apportioning blame upon the poor and the weak than to accept that Christ’s way is indeed the right way to live and take responsibility for changing our ways to His way.
(2 Corinthians 8:13-15)
The teachings of Christ entail that the strong need to bear with the weak, the rich must share with the poor, and all must learn from Christ to be humble and gentle and use whatever talents/resources they were entrusted with for the common good. Social Darwinism which in its many forms still dominates much of Western thinking says that it is normal for the strong survive at the expense of the weak and for the rich not to share equally with the poor. After all it is the weak who are poor and it is not our fault that they are not fit, smart or good enough to look after themselves properly in the scramble for the earth’s resources. It is no wonder that many in the rich West have turned their back on Christianity or only adopt it superficially. After all it is much easier to justify one’s own greed and selfishness by apportioning blame upon the poor and the weak than to accept that Christ’s way is indeed the right way to live and take responsibility for changing our ways to His way.
dinsdag 24 maart 2015
A theology of ironing your clothes…….
I know some of you will think I am exaggerating, and maybe I do so at times to make a point. However, today this was a real issue when I was faced with a having to iron a pile of laundry. It is a chore I really don’t enjoy, partly because I suck at it and partly because I feel it’s a waste of time,
So since I discuss anything with God, I needed to discuss this also with my beloved Father in Heaven. The conversation kind of went like this: Honestly Lord ‘ironing my clothes’ is not exactly what you tell me the Kingdom of God is all about. You taught me that the Kingdom of God is about living right in accordance with the righteousness of Gods Kingdom and it is about joy and peace in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:7). God: “Yes, Erwin that is very true”, me: “That is great Lord, I am always happy when we agree :).” God: “Yes we agree that my kingdom is not about such mundane matters in themselves, but my dear child that does not mean you should not do them.” Me: “That does not make sense to me, ironing or not ironing my clothes does not add or subtract from who I am, and besides many people in other parts of the world never iron their clothes.” God: “you are right about that.” Me: “” God: “But, you are not in ‘many parts of the world’, you are now in the Netherlands.” Me: “you mean that living in accordance with your righteousness of love means I should adjust to the culture and be a Jew with the Jew and Greek with the Greek, and all things to all men so that I do not put unnecessary obstacles in their way which may hinder them from being saved? (1 Cor. 9:19-23).” God: “Now you are getting it”. Me: “But it is boring, I am not good at it and I don’t like it.” God: “doing what is good in accordance with the Law of Christ is not always nice but it is always the right thing to do.” Me: “alright, let me get on with it, I will do it for you.” God: “Now my child, that’s the Spirit - no pun intended :)”.
So since I discuss anything with God, I needed to discuss this also with my beloved Father in Heaven. The conversation kind of went like this: Honestly Lord ‘ironing my clothes’ is not exactly what you tell me the Kingdom of God is all about. You taught me that the Kingdom of God is about living right in accordance with the righteousness of Gods Kingdom and it is about joy and peace in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:7). God: “Yes, Erwin that is very true”, me: “That is great Lord, I am always happy when we agree :).” God: “Yes we agree that my kingdom is not about such mundane matters in themselves, but my dear child that does not mean you should not do them.” Me: “That does not make sense to me, ironing or not ironing my clothes does not add or subtract from who I am, and besides many people in other parts of the world never iron their clothes.” God: “you are right about that.” Me: “” God: “But, you are not in ‘many parts of the world’, you are now in the Netherlands.” Me: “you mean that living in accordance with your righteousness of love means I should adjust to the culture and be a Jew with the Jew and Greek with the Greek, and all things to all men so that I do not put unnecessary obstacles in their way which may hinder them from being saved? (1 Cor. 9:19-23).” God: “Now you are getting it”. Me: “But it is boring, I am not good at it and I don’t like it.” God: “doing what is good in accordance with the Law of Christ is not always nice but it is always the right thing to do.” Me: “alright, let me get on with it, I will do it for you.” God: “Now my child, that’s the Spirit - no pun intended :)”.
dinsdag 17 maart 2015
Do not treat the rich better than the poor
James 2:1-9
1 My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5 Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6 But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7 Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong? 8 If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right.
9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers
When people are poor, weak, dependent on aid or our good will, or if they are vulnerable in any other way this is no excuse to treat them with any less dignity than the way we treat the famous, rich and influential. Doing so is judging with evil thought-patterns guiding our judgement instead of the love of Christ. Favoritism, treating the have-s of this world better than the don't-have's is sin! The way we treat the weak and dependent shows the quality of our character. Are we people of love and kindness or selfish people who only treat well those whom are of use and benefit to them while Lording it over those who are not. Let us remember that it is often the rich who exploit and oppress the poor and treat them with contempt so why favor them above the poor? We should treat all people equally with respect and dignity.
1 My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5 Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6 But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7 Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong? 8 If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right.
9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers
When people are poor, weak, dependent on aid or our good will, or if they are vulnerable in any other way this is no excuse to treat them with any less dignity than the way we treat the famous, rich and influential. Doing so is judging with evil thought-patterns guiding our judgement instead of the love of Christ. Favoritism, treating the have-s of this world better than the don't-have's is sin! The way we treat the weak and dependent shows the quality of our character. Are we people of love and kindness or selfish people who only treat well those whom are of use and benefit to them while Lording it over those who are not. Let us remember that it is often the rich who exploit and oppress the poor and treat them with contempt so why favor them above the poor? We should treat all people equally with respect and dignity.
zaterdag 7 februari 2015
There is no fear in love
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:18-19
Contrary to popular opinion the opposite of love is not hate, it is fear. It is fear that our needs may not be met, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of what others can do to us, or many other fears, that actually prevent us from being able to receive and give love. True love can only flourish where fear makes way for the courage to trust and dare to be vulnerable enough to entrust ourselves to others. It is because of Gods enormous love that we dare to trust Him and as His love transforms our hearts we more dare to trust others too and let go of our fear. Then we no longer need to hide behind walls of silence, bitterness, deception, self-sufficiency, keeping up appearances, hate or anger to defend our fragile selves but as weak as we are become strong in His love.
1 John 4:18-19
Contrary to popular opinion the opposite of love is not hate, it is fear. It is fear that our needs may not be met, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of what others can do to us, or many other fears, that actually prevent us from being able to receive and give love. True love can only flourish where fear makes way for the courage to trust and dare to be vulnerable enough to entrust ourselves to others. It is because of Gods enormous love that we dare to trust Him and as His love transforms our hearts we more dare to trust others too and let go of our fear. Then we no longer need to hide behind walls of silence, bitterness, deception, self-sufficiency, keeping up appearances, hate or anger to defend our fragile selves but as weak as we are become strong in His love.
woensdag 4 februari 2015
Love casts out all fear
To love God and to love people also includes learning to Trust God and Trust People: Let go of your fear and let your walls come down.
1 Cor. 13:4-7
Love suffers long and is kind; love envies not; love flaunts not itself and is not puffed up, 5 does not behave itself improperly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; 6 rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from the things we fear, we miss out on the abundance of life Christ has in store for us.
We need to dare to be vulnerable before God and surrender ourselves in trust in order to receive His love and we must dare to be vulnerable before people and give them our trust in order to relate to them in love.
Love does not operate from suspicion. It does not approach people with distrust and fear of rejection.
Love bears, hopes and believes.
as 1 John 4:18 says:
18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. Whoever fears is not perfect in love.
If we live in fear then we need to learn to receive more love from God and learn to love Him and people
When we live with the fear that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis. Fear leads to suspicion, paranoia, irritation, anger, hate and eventually it will hurt ourselves and others.
It is exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit it our hearts because we fear what might or might not happen. These fears may include:
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of being rejected as worthless
Fear of being ridiculed or humiliated
Fear of making a mistake or failing at a task
Fear of not being able to measure up to people’s expectations
Fear of committing ourselves and taking responsibility for our decisions
Fear of being used or taken advantage of
Fear of.......
These fears are part of our broken and sinful human nature and they hinder us and hold us back from all God has in store for us. And unless we recognize them for what they are: Harmful for us and others. If not submitted to Christ and handed over to Him they will continue to influence our everyday interactions with God, ourselves and other people in a negative way.
It is not just about trusting people but also about life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become very limited, we are literally prisoners of our fear and cannot fully enjoy the freedom of the children of God.
We don’t bother talking to someone because we’re certain they won’t be interested in us.
We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back.
We don’t commit our feelings too much to a relationship because we fear they may leave us one day
We don’t apply for a job because we’re scared we won’t be accepted
……fear hurts us and others and it stops us from reaching the destiny God has in mind for us
We need to ask God to help us overcome our fears with trust, our anxiety with love, for His perfect love can cast out all fear.
To be vulnerable and no longer pretend to be stronger and better than we are is difficult for all human beings, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of other people it is even more difficult. However, if you consciously choose to take the risk to be open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined.
Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. You should not yourself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who does not deserve your trust. You may give people a chance but if they keep hurting you knowingly and do not make an effort to change, it is time to shake the dust of your feet and move on. But also, you should not let negative past experiences allow you to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.
What can I do to change?
In order to get to a place where you are comfortable being vulnerable and being able to trust a person or situation, you must first be honest with yourself.
It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear abandonment, or we fear rejection, or we fear appearing inadequate. Better to admit the truth than to tell yourself a lie, “he is not my type,” “I have no problem, people just don’t appreciate me”, “I don’t need anyone”…..
We must look such fears in the eye and realize they are simply methods trying to protect us from being hurt, they were necessary in the past to cope with hardship but now they must go for they prevent us from enjoying the fullness of life God has for us. We must stop surviving and start fully living the wonderful life of love God has in mind for us.
1 Cor. 13:4-7
Love suffers long and is kind; love envies not; love flaunts not itself and is not puffed up, 5 does not behave itself improperly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; 6 rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from the things we fear, we miss out on the abundance of life Christ has in store for us.
We need to dare to be vulnerable before God and surrender ourselves in trust in order to receive His love and we must dare to be vulnerable before people and give them our trust in order to relate to them in love.
Love does not operate from suspicion. It does not approach people with distrust and fear of rejection.
Love bears, hopes and believes.
as 1 John 4:18 says:
18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. Whoever fears is not perfect in love.
If we live in fear then we need to learn to receive more love from God and learn to love Him and people
When we live with the fear that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis. Fear leads to suspicion, paranoia, irritation, anger, hate and eventually it will hurt ourselves and others.
It is exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit it our hearts because we fear what might or might not happen. These fears may include:
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of being rejected as worthless
Fear of being ridiculed or humiliated
Fear of making a mistake or failing at a task
Fear of not being able to measure up to people’s expectations
Fear of committing ourselves and taking responsibility for our decisions
Fear of being used or taken advantage of
Fear of.......
These fears are part of our broken and sinful human nature and they hinder us and hold us back from all God has in store for us. And unless we recognize them for what they are: Harmful for us and others. If not submitted to Christ and handed over to Him they will continue to influence our everyday interactions with God, ourselves and other people in a negative way.
It is not just about trusting people but also about life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become very limited, we are literally prisoners of our fear and cannot fully enjoy the freedom of the children of God.
We don’t bother talking to someone because we’re certain they won’t be interested in us.
We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back.
We don’t commit our feelings too much to a relationship because we fear they may leave us one day
We don’t apply for a job because we’re scared we won’t be accepted
……fear hurts us and others and it stops us from reaching the destiny God has in mind for us
We need to ask God to help us overcome our fears with trust, our anxiety with love, for His perfect love can cast out all fear.
To be vulnerable and no longer pretend to be stronger and better than we are is difficult for all human beings, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of other people it is even more difficult. However, if you consciously choose to take the risk to be open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined.
Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. You should not yourself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who does not deserve your trust. You may give people a chance but if they keep hurting you knowingly and do not make an effort to change, it is time to shake the dust of your feet and move on. But also, you should not let negative past experiences allow you to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.
What can I do to change?
In order to get to a place where you are comfortable being vulnerable and being able to trust a person or situation, you must first be honest with yourself.
It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear abandonment, or we fear rejection, or we fear appearing inadequate. Better to admit the truth than to tell yourself a lie, “he is not my type,” “I have no problem, people just don’t appreciate me”, “I don’t need anyone”…..
We must look such fears in the eye and realize they are simply methods trying to protect us from being hurt, they were necessary in the past to cope with hardship but now they must go for they prevent us from enjoying the fullness of life God has for us. We must stop surviving and start fully living the wonderful life of love God has in mind for us.
maandag 2 februari 2015
God can reweave what is evil into good
As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. (50:20 NASB)
In God’s hands intended evil becomes eventual good. Joseph tied himself to the pillar of this promise and held on for dear life. Nothing in his story glosses over the presence of evil. Quite the contrary. Bloodstains, tearstains are everywhere. Joseph’s heart was rubbed raw against the rocks of disloyalty and miscarried justice. Yet time and time again God redeemed the pain. The torn robe became a royal one. The pit became a palace. The broken family grew old together. The very acts intended to destroy God’s servant turned out to strengthen him.
“You meant evil against me,” Joseph told his brothers, using a Hebrew verb that traces its meaning to “weave” or “plait.”
“You wove evil,” he was saying, “but God rewove it together for good.”
God, the Master Weaver. He stretches the yarn and intertwines the colors, the ragged twine with the velvet strings, the pains with the pleasures. Nothing escapes his reach. Every king, despot, weather pattern, and molecule are at his command. He passes the shuttle back and forth across the generations, and as he does, a design emerges. Satan weaves; God reweaves.
See more in the original article by Max Lucado:
http://www.faithgateway.com/what-was-meant-for-evil-god-uses-for-good/#.VM_WGdKAG7A
In God’s hands intended evil becomes eventual good. Joseph tied himself to the pillar of this promise and held on for dear life. Nothing in his story glosses over the presence of evil. Quite the contrary. Bloodstains, tearstains are everywhere. Joseph’s heart was rubbed raw against the rocks of disloyalty and miscarried justice. Yet time and time again God redeemed the pain. The torn robe became a royal one. The pit became a palace. The broken family grew old together. The very acts intended to destroy God’s servant turned out to strengthen him.
“You meant evil against me,” Joseph told his brothers, using a Hebrew verb that traces its meaning to “weave” or “plait.”
“You wove evil,” he was saying, “but God rewove it together for good.”
God, the Master Weaver. He stretches the yarn and intertwines the colors, the ragged twine with the velvet strings, the pains with the pleasures. Nothing escapes his reach. Every king, despot, weather pattern, and molecule are at his command. He passes the shuttle back and forth across the generations, and as he does, a design emerges. Satan weaves; God reweaves.
See more in the original article by Max Lucado:
http://www.faithgateway.com/what-was-meant-for-evil-god-uses-for-good/#.VM_WGdKAG7A
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